When I was in my late twenties, I had a serious problem. It was called “testicular cancer“. At that time, there were only two treatments available for this type of cancer: surgery and radiation therapy. My doctor recommended surgery. He said it would be the best treatment.
I did not want to go through surgery. I knew from my own experience with cancer that surgery was painful. I knew from my own experiences with pain that surgery was also dangerous. I knew from my own life that I did not want to die. I had seen my father die from a cancerous tumor. I had seen my mother die from cancer. I had seen many friends die from cancer. I did not want to be one of them.
I was afraid to go through surgery. I was afraid to have radiation therapy. I was afraid to take any medicine. I was afraid to take the pills that my doctor prescribed. I was afraid to take aspirin. I was afraid to take vitamin E. I was afraid to eat the foods that my doctor told me to eat. I was afraid to do anything. I was afraid of everything.
I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of living. I was afraid of being sick. I was afraid of getting better. I was afraid of going to sleep. I was afraid of waking up. I was afraid of having sex. I was afraid of going out into the world. I was afraid of doing anything.
I could not think clearly. I could not concentrate. I could not remember things. I could not understand things. I could not remember what happened yesterday. I could not remember what I did today. I could not remember where I was going. I could not remember why I wanted to do something. I could not remember who I was. I could not remember what life was like. I could not remember anything.
I was afraid that I would forget everything. I was afraid that I would forget who I was. I was afraid that I was going to forget how to live. I was afraid that I might forget how to breathe. I was afraid that I could forget how to talk. I was afraid that I had forgotten how to cry. I was afraid that I forgot how to laugh. I was afraid that I never would remember how to laugh.
I was afraid I would forget how to walk. I was afraid I would forget how much I loved. I was afraid that I did not know how much I loved. I did not know how much love was in my heart. I did not know how to love. I did not know how love was. I did not know how life was. I did not know what life was about. I did not know what to do.
I was afraid. I was afraid to die. I was afraid to live. I was afraid to love. I was afraid to feel. I was afraid to be happy. I was afraid to be sad. I was afraid to feel pain. I was afraid to feel pleasure. I was afraid to be alive. I was afraid to die.
